It’s no gone too far. No yet anywey. A’ll tell ye when hings have gone too far. Am a sensible man. A ken when hings go too far and this hasnae gone too far just yet. Naw. Am just havin’ a good time. Am havin’ fun. Am relaxin’. Aye.
If ma Mrs wanted tae leave, that wis her business. If she wants tae stay gone, that’s her business too. Can come back if she likes. A’d like her tae come back. Bairn can come back wae her. Miss the bairn. Bairn wid love tae see wit her da’s done.
But ma Mrs has said a’ve taken it aw too far an’ that am a mess and the hoose is a mess an’ we’re a mess an’ she’s scare ae me an’ wits happened tae me. An’ aw that.
This aw started because ae her. When she caught ontae ma antics wae ma Industrial Shredder. The Industrial Shredder wisnae like the Hydraulic Press in that it a wisnae gettin’ bored ae it. A wisnae bored in the slightest. A wis still buzzin’ fir ma trips tae see the Shredder in action an’ a had auld books an’ toys an’ jewellery tae feed it. It still made me feel so excited, yet satisfied. But ma Mrs caught oan. She found oot wit a wis dain an’ telt me a wis wastin’ aw oor money.
That started wan ae the biggest fights we’ve ever had. Mibbe it wis the biggest. Aye, a think it wis. It was the biggest.
She wis lit, you’re wastin’ oor money. A said, oor money? A dinnae see you gaun tae work every night. Naw, a see you gettin’ yer nails done an’ gaun oot fir prosecco an’ lunch wae yer pals. A’ve goat no problem wae that, dae a? She says that bein’ social an’ lookin’ nice isnae a waste ae money, but payin’ tae watch a wee lad break aw oor auld stuff is.
A lost that particular fight. Went oan fir days an’ by the end a wis just too exhausted. Wis telt tae no see that boy again or his Industrial Shredder. A wis really miserable aboot aw that. A tried tae take solace in YouTube videos ae Industrial Shredders at work but it only made me miss seeing the real deal mair. It made me even mair miserable.
Losin’ the Industrial Shredder made me feel unsatisfied. It’s the only word a can think ae fir the way a feel. Unsatisfied. A went tae see the Shredder tae destress, an’ get relief. Watchin’ aw the things inside it crunch an’ listenin’ tae the snappin’ an’ the cracklin’ made me feel mair at ease than anything else. Without it, a wis pure wound up. A snapped at ma Mrs an’ thr wee wan. The wee wan cried because ae it which wound ma Mrs up an goat me intae trouble. Wound me up even mair. A realised quickly that a needed something tae fill the hole that the Shredder had left. A needed something new to relieve me.
A tried wee hings like cuttin’ up soap an’ listenin’ tae ASMR an aw kinds ae things a heard were relaxin’. They were free or really cheap, so ma Mrs wisnae offended. As an apology fir bein’ such a bad da, a even tried tae let the wean play wae me. A let her crush bits ae curled up, crunchy soap but there were two problems: wan, she didnae find it aw very fun and two, she just ended up stressin’ us oot even mair! Oan top ae that, a found that soap cuttin’ goat dead borin’, dead fast. ASMR just put me tae sleep, which a didnae want. A ended up sleepin’ during the day which kept me up at night, and meant a wisnae dain the hings a wis meant tae during the day.
Then a tried Slime.
A stopped intae a kids shoap that wis advertising that they had Slime, an’ since a had seen videos ae folk playin’ wae Slime a wis interested. Videos nivir really did anything tae make me feel better but wae oot any relief a wis startin’ tae feel desperate.
A took the Slime hame, opened ma tub up an’ started tae play. A watched the goop fall through ma fingers and spread slowly, slowly, an’ realised that a had wan big problem: a didnae have enough Slime.
Mair tubs ae Slime were purchased, but it started tae get expensive fast, so a started makin’ it anaw. Wis makin’ it oot ae shaving cream an’ shower gel ‘n’ that, an’ a found that makin’ it masel wis a good way tae relax too!
By the end ae the week a had a massive basin aw full ae Slime; it wis homemade stuff mixed wae ma original tubs ae store bought stuff. A had aw these different colours but combined aw thegither it wis this greeny-broon colour. A thought it wis a beautiful colour. A could stick ma hawns deep intae ma basin an’ just stay still, or a could stretch ma fingers oot an move them aboot, an it aw felt amazing.
Ma Mrs wis perplexed. “Wit ye dain that fir?” she asked me.
“Aye, but wit ye dain it fir? It’s rotten. You’re no a wean. It’s mingin’.”
A beckoned her hither. “Come feel it, love.”
Ma Mrs stuck her hand deep inside the basin an’ recoiled almost instantly, disgusted. “Wit’s that aw aboot?” a demanded, offended for ma creation.
“Disgustin’!” she cried.
“Away ye go then,” a hissed at her. “Am busy.”
She left wae oot argument. She wis really weirded oot by ma Slime habits. That, combined wae the Industrial Shredder missin’ fae ma life, resulted in or sex life really dwindling. A didnae care. A quickly realised that bein’ arm deep in a big basin ae Slime wis mair relaxin’ than bein’ deep inside anything else, if ye get ma meaning.
Her issue wae ma Slime use rose mair and mair, an’ at the same time ma Slime collection became bigger and bigger. A had tae transfer fae a basin tae a storage box: a big, clear, plastic wan.
“That smells boggin’,” she telt us.
“A don’t smell anything,” a said.
“Aye ye dae! Liar,” she snapped.
When a came hame the day after that confrontation, a wis stressed efter a long, hard day ae work. A needed ma relief. A found something shockin’ on ma return hame.
The Mrs has thrown aw ma slime away.
Mair stressed than ever, a screamed at her an’ yelled an’ yelled until the wean wis cryin’ anaw. Ma property, a wis oan aboot. Her no understandin’, a added. Her no wantin’ tae understawn. Ma property, wit relaxed me, an’ she just goat rid ae it because she didnae understawn.
She didnae yell back at me or argue or anything. She looked at me as a went oan an’ oan like a wis an alien. Like a wis some creature she had nivir seen or heard ae before, an’ that she could nivir comprehend. She telt me she wis gonnae let me cool doon. She picked up the bairn and went aff. Ma two lassies came back an hoor or so later wae a cheeseburger fir me far McDonalds, but found me in the dining room adding red food colouring tae ma fresh new batch ae Slime.
She didnae speak another word tae me fir the rest ae the night.
We stopped arguing aw thigither as she watched me play wae ma new Slime. She wid watch oan wae a look ae concern oan her face, like she wis watchin’ a wee dug bein’ put doon in a vet’s office. She looked at me wae pity an’ disgust. That look she gave me only stressed me oot mair, an’ drove me deeper intae ma big tub ae Slime.
Days later, wae a friendly smile oan her face that a hadnae seen in a while, an’ a gentle voice, the Mrs sat next tae me at the dining table. She said, “Davie, dae ye think ye’ve had enough ae that Slime?”
A didnae even entertain the idea. “Ye know it relaxes me.”
“Aye, but you’re playin’ wae it so much an’ it smells horrid an’ you’re no speaking tae me or the wee yin at aw. We’re both worried” she telt me. “Ye dinnae know how hard it is tae worry a five year old, dae ye?” A could tell she wis tryin’ tae joke wae me, make us laugh thegither, but a wis in nae mood. When that failed, she couldnae keep that bit ae anger a knew she wis holdin’ back oot ae her voice. “If you’re this stressed aw the time, mibee ye should go see a counsellor, Davie.”
A dove ma hawn deeper intae the Slime. “Am awrite.”
“Ye clearly arnae,” she argued.
She couldnae be arsed wae that, clearly. She goat up an’ left the room. She tried tae contact ma work pals an’ ma da an’ set up an intervention, but aw these guys didnae see a problem. When they telt me aboot the Mrs tryin’ tae contact them, they didnae seem tae care much. “Davie’s fine,” they said. They nivir saw a problem wae me an’ a thanked them fir it.
Quickly, ma nights became consumed by the Slime. A went straight hame fae work an’ played and missed dinner wae the lassies. A dinnae eat these days until the hunger starts tae hurt, usually late in the night. A dinnae sleep much, not until ma boady cannae keep itself awake anymore. When a wis in bed wae the Mrs wan night, when a wis especially exhausted an’ needed the comfort ae ma bed, she tried tae get intimate wae me. Slid her hawns aw aboot ma chest an’ doon ma belly an’ oan ma thighs. A promptly removed her hawn fae ma boady an’ rolled away. She didnae have anythin’ tae say tae me aboot that.
Truth wis, a wis mad at her. She didn’t understawn ma stress an’ that the Industrial Shredder, costly as it wis, helped me. She refused tae understawn that the Slime helped me either, so she tried tae get rid ae it an’ tried tae get aw ma pals an’ family involved wae me like a wis some freak. A felt like she wis treatin’ me like a child, tae be honest.
Aye, we didnae talk much efter long. Wan night she telt me she an’ the we yin were gaunt ae see her maw. A saw the massive bag oan her shoulder fae the corner ae ma eye. She nivir came back.
Wae new freedom that came wae an empty hoose, a managed tae expand ma Slime and move it tae the bathtub. A added mair mix an’ colour so that it wis once again a greeny-broon amalgamation ae aw the colours a had mixed in.
A wanted different colours, though, so a filled ma kitchen sink wae red Slime, an’ ma doonstairs bathroom wae yellow, an’ ma upstairs bathroom sink wae blue. A filled bowls wae different colours anaw. A could walk intae any room in ma hoose an’ play wae Slime until me wee heart wis contented.
Wan day, when a had been telt tae take the day aff work tae “take care ae masel,” a decided tae be an artist. A took my different colours ae Slime and slathered them oan ma walls in different shapes an’ designs an’ the sight ae it made me feel very calm. It goat in the curtains ‘n’ that but a liked that. It goat oan the carpet but a liked that anaw.
Soon, ma whole hoose wis covered in Slime, so that a wis nivir really oot ae contact wae it. A wis always makin’ mair, addin’ tae me gallery.
A nivir had a picture in ma heid ae ma ideal hoose but when ma ain hame wis covered in Slime, a realised that wis wit a wanted.
Time aff work wis a great idea, so a took aw ma holidays in one go tae stay at home an’ play. Once the Mrs came hame tae check on us but she wis completely disturbed by wit she saw. She still doesnae understawn after aw this time. She doesnae want tae. Fuck it.
A wake up in Slime. A go tae bed in Slime. A watch TV in it, a eat in it, a bathe in it. A’ve nivir been happier or mair relaxed. A feel so much better an’ a know that a can tidy up ma Slime whenever a want tae. Am confident in that, actually. A really just don’t want tae. A like ma Slime the way it is.
So, the Mrs can stay at her maw’s or move in wae some other lad an’ leech aff him like she did me. The bairn can forget aw aboot her daddy. They can replace me at work if they want fir someone better. A don’t care. A’ve goat everything a need right here wae me.
Hings have not gone too far. No in the slightest. A’ll fuckin’ tell ye when hings have gone tae far.