Clownin’ Around

A love ma wee Gordy tae bits, right, so am really worried about this funk he’s gotten himself intae. He spends aw his time, lately, sittin’ aboot, mopin’, no dain anythin’ aroon the hoos. Gets hame fae work just tae crack open a bottle ae something ice cold and numbing. Plants himself oan the couch and stays there aw night. A take his dinner to him and a wake up an hour or two after a’ve went tae bed when he joins me. He stays oan his ain side, turns tae face the wall and doesnae give me a wee cuddle or anythin’. A dinnae know if he falls asleep there and then or if he lies awake, starin’ at the bedside table fir minutes or hours…the dark circles under his eyes tells me he cannae find sleep fir a while.

Gordy works a wee office job at an accountant’s. Ye wouldn’t think it lookin’ at him but he’s an actual clever wee man. Dead good wae numbers, does pure crazy sums n that in his heed. So he has his wee nine tae five, went tae college fir it, wears his wee suit everyday and he makes a good wee bit ae money. He’s always wantin’ to go oan mair holidays, always plannin’ this n that, goin’ here n there.

Ye could say he wis wan ae they boys who peaked in high school, a suppose. He was a prankster and although a didnae know him until we were both in oor twenties, a could tell ye confidently he was a grade A nuisance! He often made the papers wae his pranks and graffiti; the press obviously didnae know who wis dain aw this, knew it wis the same scoundrel like, but didnae know his name. Gordy n his pals aw knew it was him but he got aff wae it completely scot free.

It wis oor anniversary night, oor fifth year anniversary, when a decided that things had tae change. Mibbe we’re no the maist romantic folk, but we dae a wee somethin’ somethin’ every year tae mark the occasion. If we’re feelin’ a bit fancy we’ll get a train tae town and have a nice wee dinner and some drinks. If we’re feelin’ casual we’ll get a bottle ae wine n a takeaway. Well, he got hame fae work and a made him a cuppa and gave him a wee smooch, said, “happy anniversary, darlin’,” and sat wae him fir a bit, watchin’ the news. Once he’d drunk aw his tea, a turned back tae him and a asked, knowin’ that he windae be up for a night out, if a should phone a Chinese. “A went shoppin’ earlier as well, and a got a wee bottle ae wine fir us, n some cheesecake fir afters.” A used ma maist enticin’ voice, drawin’ oot words like wine and cheeeeeese, tryin’ ma best tae make it sound really good! Me and ma Gordy urnae the same person at aw but a dinnae know anyone who isn’t cheered up in the slightest by a bit ae cake and a nice cold glass ae wine.

Despite that, Gordy shrugged his shoulders. “Order in if ye want, love,” he says. “Just somethin’ small for me, and am fine wae a beer the night. Dinnae fancy cake either.”

“Maybe we could cuddle up n watch a movie as well, babe?” A offered. “Ooooooorrrr, a dunno, we could play some games? That wan ye like on the playstation wae the worms? A dinnae mind.”

Gordy let out a heavy breath and lolled his head back, and he stared at the ceiling. “To be honest,” he begun, his words slow and lazy, “a don’t think a have the energy or patience fir a movie. Cannae be arsed wae games either.”

“Well, wit dae ye want tae dae the night?”

He shrugged again. “Nothin’, tae be honest. Just want tae sit around.”

A had tae bite back anger, then. Proper had tae hold ma tongue, a wis getting’ ragin’! Through gritted teeth, a said, “but it’s oor anniversary. A think we should dae somethin’ – a want tae dae somethin’.”

Finally, he looked me in the eye and sat up. “Don’t know wit tae tell ye, Kay, a just don’t feel like dain’ anythin’.”

“Well, a dae!” A ended up raisin’ ma voice and aye, a felt bad immediately. A placed ma hand oan his and gave him a wee squeeze, but he didn’t seem bothered at all aboot ma wee outburst. “Darlin’, you’ve been pure off fir weeks noo, and am startin’ tae get worried. Ye used tae be dead energetic, talkin’ aboot getting’ away and goin’ oot n that. A’ve no seen ye go for a pint wae yer pals in ages anall, ye’ve been so different recently! Ye seem so sad, a just want tae help. Will ye please talk to me, Gordon?”

Gordon fixed himself oan the couch, sitting up properly and bringing his feet ontae the couch anall, huddlin’ himself up. He gripped his arms over his legs and held himself close and a felt a breakthrough comin’. That easy, eh? Aw a had tae dae is ask? Should ae done this weeks ago…

“Darlin’, a’ve been feelin’ so unfulfilled,” he confessed.

It aw made so much sense tae me then! He goat a good joab and good money but he never says anythin’ too great aboot his days in the office; a never get anythin’ better than “fine,” when a ask how his day wis. A don’t ever hear funny stories, or hear stories about work pals, and he’s been at the same desk in the same room at the same company for comin’ on three years now. Does he no want tae progress? Course he does. Then he’s watchin’ his pals, boys he’s known since school, start tae get married n have kids n that. Fair enough, we’ve been living together fir 3 years noo, but we’ve no gone any further. Am sure if a ended up pregnant we’d just have the baby but a havenae. An’ he’s no made any suggestions about marriage yet either, so that’s his ain fault oan that front. But stayin’ in the same place at work and seein’ yer pals move oan in life? That’s got tae be hard, right? Not tae mention, his wee sister who is eight years his juniors just moved to Italy wae her (very handsome) husband and two wee beautiful weans, intae a big beautiful country hoos. Am even jealous aboot that, it’s no even ma sister.

Aye, point is, a fully get behind ma boy bein’ unfulfilled in his life, so a expressed aw that. A expressed that a wid feel the same way in what was lookin’ like a dead end job and a admitted a widnae mind seein’ oor relationship go further, and seein’ his younger sisters developments in life, a telt him that am sure his mum and dad wouldnae mind seein’ us go further either! A even said, as well, that it made sense that he’d feel unfulfilled after such a successful career as a teenaged tyrant, getting in the local papers and news aw the time for being a wee bastard, pranking cunts n that.

He looked at me wae a blank stare for a good few, agonizing moments. “That’s no why am feelin’ unfulfilled.”

Well fuck! He’ll be upset now. Fucked it.

“Am glad ye brought up oor relationship, love” he started earnestly. “Because that’s wit a meant a was feelin’ unfulfilled in.”



“Specifically oor sex life.”


Unexpected tae say the least. A didnae think at aw oor sex life wis the thing getting him doon. A thought oor lack of intimacy wis a side effect ae his gloomy behaviour, no the cause ae it. A always thought we had pretty awrite sex! We were niver tyin’ each other up in that, chainin’ each other tae the bed or, fuck knows, spittin’ oan each other? A dinnae know wit constitutes as “excitin’ sex” these days, but a niver thought wit we were dain was… unexciting?

A barely even knew how tae take that! A didnae know if a shid have felt upset or no? A mean, a always enjoyed our bedroom time! My, my.

“So, darlin’,” a said, takin’ his hand in mine again, pettin’ his fingers and tyin’ tae no avoid his eyes too much. Admittedly, a did feel a bit embarrassed. “Am glad a know wit’s been botherin’ ye now, but wit a want tae know now is how tae fix it?”

Now he wis lookin’ away fae me, but he kept his hand in mine. “Am embarrassed tae say, Kay,” he said.

A squeezed. “Ye know a don’t care, a just want tae help.”

He looked back at me. A held his gaze, or did ma best tae. “Well, a always thought it wid be quite excitin’ tae dress up,” he began.

Oh my! Then, a thought he wis gonnae get intae somethin’ heavy creepy! I don’t even know like wit, fuckin’ animal play or somethin’? Aren’t some folk intae wearin’ furry pet costumes these days? But, naw, dressin’ up… to me that just meant wearin’ some sexy lingerie; a wee lacy thong or somethin’.

A inched closer tae him then, so ma legs were oan his, and started strokin’ his hair. “Well, a think that sounds quite fun.”

Somethin’ changed then, when he took ma hand and squeezed it in his own. “Ye should keep listening.”

That’s when a froze, completely clueless as to wit he had tae say next. Why wis he being so serious about this? Wis it goin’ tae be somethin’ freaky? “Am listenin’,” a told him.

Another, tighter squeeze ae the hand. A smirk flashed across his lips for a nanosecond, gone as soon as a saw it. Wis he gettin’ excited, then? “Tell me,” a whispered.

“A want ye tae dress as…”

He let it hang in the air, like wan ae they reality TV presenters, pausing before they announce the winner or the loser or whatever.

He bit his lip, looking at me so intently, like he knew wit he was dain tae me. Ma first thought wis that he was too shy tae say it, he was musterin’ the courage in his ain head, willing himself tae say it. Another thought creeped intae ma heed, though, and a pushed it away best a could. A thought, wis he puttin’ me oan edge oan purpose? Toyin’ wae me, messin’ wae me, teasin’ me? Wis that a sexual thing? Nae clue. Point is, he made it dramatic.

Eventually, a had tae snap again, and demand he just spit it oot, tell me whit he was oan aboot. His cheeks flushed red and he sniggered, looking down at oor intertwined fingers on his lap. A goat a wee bit angry then, being left on the edge for so long then being laughed at tae boot, but naw, a wis bein’ a supportive girlfriend so a had tae swallow it doon hard and wait fir him tae just tell me. Tell me whenever he wis ready. But fucks sake, he wis fuckin’ annoying sometimes.

Pride swallowed, a took a deep breath and said, “ye can tell me anythin’, ma darlin’. It’s me. Ye know a willnae judge ye.”

He smiled at me, and it was a beautiful wee confident smile. “Okay, darlin’,” he agreed finally. “A want ye tae dress as a clown fir me.”


What the fuck? What? What? A clown? What? Where the fuck did that come fae? A clown? What?


He turned his head and loosened his grip on mine. “A knew ye widnae understand,” he said. I squeezed his hand.

“Naw, naw, baby!” I cried, tryin’ tae get him back tae me. “Naw baby, a just wisnae expectin’ it! Am sure if a telt ye a wanted ye tae dress as a clown, you wid be a bit caught aff guard anall! But, a may no understand, but a support you and a want tae make ye happy.”

He squeezed me back! “Dae ye mean it, Kay?”

A took his head in ma hands and gave him a big kiss on the lips! “Aw Gordy, ma darlin’ of course a mean it! A just want tae make ye happy,” A say again, drivin’ ma point home.

He kissed me back and took me intae his arms and gave me a big, tight hug. He pulled back and gave me the brightest smile a’d seen in so long. His eyes were aw twinkly and bright and he wis basically glowin’! A wis so happy tae see him happy! “How aboot this, darlin’,” he began. “A nip oot and get us oor usual fae the Chinese and a pick up some supplies and we can get oan it tonight, eh? Have a nice wee anniversary dinner and, aye, a’ll even pick up another bottle ae wine and we’ll get a wee buzz gawn anall! Then a’d love tae see ye aw dressed up fir me.”

Seein’ him so happy made me so happy that a forgot whit he’d asked me so a just nodded and said yes, yes! A told him a’d light some candles while he wis away and have some chilled glasses ae wine waitin’ fir him by the time he got back wae the dinner. “A can’t wait, darlin’.”

The second he wis oot the door, a wis oan the laptop, oan private browsing mode and looking up what a thought he’d be interested in… clown pornography. A have tae search for it but after a few minutes and a few images that a’ll never unsee, a think a know how to make ma man happy.


It wis utterly amazin’ havin’ ma old Gordy back over dinner. We sat aw close tae each other and drank oor wine and eventually, the TV had been left on in the background and left alone fir so long that it turned itself aff, and we didn’t even realise that aside fae oor conversations, the room had gone completely silent.

When the Primark tealights started fizzlin’ oot after hours ae chatting and drinkin’, he reached behind his back tae the table next to the couch and switched the lamp oan, illuminating the room once mair.

It felt like it did back when we first moved in together, when we were an excited wee couple starting our future.

But when the second bottle ae wine was done and we had eaten as much Chinese as we could fit in oor bellies, a was aw too aware ae the shoappin’ bag sittin’ in the corner wae the face paints n the wig. He wanted me tae wear something sexy wae the get up as well. “Ye sure ye want tae dae this tonight, darlin’?” A asked, aw too desirous tae get oot ae this situation. We’ve have a nice wee night, can’t we just have some normal sex? Missionary, low lighting?

He seemed resolute, though. Determined tae get ma face aw white and ma nose aw red. “Yes, ma love, please.”

A give him ma best forced smile and get up aff ma arse, ma legs a wee bit numb fae sittin’ so long and ma head a wee bit too light fae a few glasses ae wine. A thought flashes intae ma mind: say you’re too drunk tae perform! But am no too drunk, and a don’t want tae disappoint, and wit a saw in my google searchin’ didn’t seem aw that bad. Am sure that a’ll forget aw aboot the make-up and the get up, and we’ll just have a jolly auld time. Fuck it. A grab the bag and head tae the bedroom first.

Decidin’ tae dae the easiest thing first, a slipped aff ma jeans and ma jumper and into lacy matching purple underwear – Gordy’s favourite, a knew. Then a sat in front ae the mirror, wiped aff the make-up a had worn aw day, and took oot the face paint that Gordy had picked up fir me. First, a made masel aw white and did the big red nose, then the blue eye paint and the big red lips and big red cheeks. A did not suit the clown look, not at aw. At this point a wis hopin’ that Gordy wid come in, laugh and realise that he wis not aroused by this, ask me tae take this shite aff and then crawl intae bed with me, aw normal and romantic. Just enjoy the undies fir wit they were. A wis hopin’, but no countin’ oan it.

Finally, a donned the wig. The curly wig over ma pulled back and braided hair. It wis a cheap, party shoap one. A don’t even know where he’d have found at so late in the afternoon? But he did, and a had tae wear the tangled, too curly, too red hair. A gave maself one final look in the wall length mirror; ma slim body looked good in the underwear, no doubtin’ that. Then a looked up, past ma neck, and it wis a disaster. If it wasn’t ma anniversary, if a wasn’t usin’ this tae save ma love life, if a wasn’t about tae have sex like this, a wid have laughed at maself.

Fuck it.

A lay doon on the bed, sprawled ma arms oot and lied the way Kate Winslet did in Titanic, aw sexy n that, and called oot: “Gooooooordy, come tae beeeeeeed.”

Next a heard the springy couch shift when he sprung up aff his place and then the floor boards creak as he made his way up the hall and intae the bedroom.

Candles were lit, the lights were low, and a was bitin’ ma lip fir him, lookin’ the best that a could, given the situation. A kept tryin’ tae forget that a wis dressed like a clown but a couldn’t shake it at aw. Fuck it, a kept thinkin’ and tellin’ masel. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.

A had nae idea aboot the reaction a wis expectin’ when he came in the room at aw, nae clue at aw. Despite that, wit a goat still completely surprised me.

He came in, found me oan the bed, looked me up n down and then –

Flash! Flash! Flash!

He had his phone out and a heard the sound of the camera shutter on the mobile, snapping pictures ae me lying in wait fir him. A had nae clue wit tae dae! A goat up and grabbed a pillow and covered masel wae it. “Wit ye dain ye weirdo?” A cried oot.

Gordy wis doubled over, holdin’ his gut in, he wis laughin’ so hard!

“Wit the fucks your problem!?” A wis yellin’.

Between sobs ae laughter, he cried oot, “Cannae believe ye fuckin’ fell fir that!”

A yelp in pain as a pull the wig aff ma head; it got caught oan ma ain hair! “What the fuck!?” I scream out. “Stoap laughin’!” But he keeps laughin’ and laughin’. He keeps goin’.

“Ye actually thought a wanted tae shag a clown? Get tae fuck, Kay!” A could barely understand him, he was shrieking so hard. A wis startin’ tae worry he’d wake the neighbours, n no the way a wanted tae be wakin’ anybody up…

“Explain yersel, ye bawbag,” a bark at him.

Lowering his level of amusement to a chuckle, he sits oan the bed next tae me. “Ye know wit happens when ye say a peaked in secondary, when a wis prankin’ cunts left, right an’ centre?”

Fuck off. “What’s that?”

“Ye get fuckin’ pranked, don’t ye?” he’s laughing harder once again while am usin’ the sweat oan ma hands tae start wipin’ off face paint. Unbelievable.

“Are ye tellin’ me ye’ve been mopin’ around fir weeks, actin’ aw sad, and gave me a sob story aboot oor sex life so ye could dae this? Prank me?”

Gordy turns tae face me, trying once again to be serious but still unable to keep a straight face. “Naw, a wis sad aw this time. A wis sad aboot havin’ a shite joab and ma sister havin’ a pure amazin’ life. And aye, a missed being a fuckin’ rock star when a wis sixteen. But ye know wit a don’t like? You sayin’ aw that. Fair enough am thinkin’ aw this shite but tae know you are too? Fucks sake, embarrassing.”

A don’t even know what to say. But he continues: “no as embarrassin’ as this, though,” and he gestures at me.

Up aff the bed, a grab at a face wipe and violently take it to ma painted visage, rubbin’ ma skin red raw tae remove the prank fae ma face. “Hope ye know a wis just tryin’ tae help ye.”

Gordy shrugs. “Doesnae matter. Ye embarrassed us. Had tae get ma ain back. Had a good wee night though, didn’t we?”

Through gritted teeth, a tell him, “before aw yer shite, aye, a suppose we did. But why a fuckin’ clown, ye weirdo?”

“Well,” he started, laying back with his hands behind his head. He looked very accomplished. “Ye made me feel like a clown, didn’t ye?”

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